Cancer – Boob Gone Rogue

October 1, 2020 – Forgetfulness and questions

I don’t remember what I was going to write about. I put it off too long and now I forgot. I do know that I wanted to write about the question “If you could have a meal with anyone alive or dead, who would it be?”, after I wrote about the subject that I no longer remember I wanted to write about. Thank you chemo, menopause, age, or all of the above…

I may have wanted to write about my latest Oncology appointment. The one that starts the process for my next MRI. Dr. Ciarolla, for the first time, did a physical examination. I have been experiencing tenderness in the left breast, around the area they are watching the changes on the semi-annual MRI’s. I don’t really feel anything there, and Dr. Ciarolla said he didn’t feel anything either. But tenderness is what led me to discovering Blink finally. So, I try not to hold my breath, and wait and see.

Maybe I wanted to write about how much I miss seeing my extended family. How the pandemic has made me feel so isolated from all of them. We see the kids as often as we feel we can without jeopardizing our health; especially since we have been making ourselves available to our friend, and neighbor, Moses, who is now battling his own cancer diagnosis. Occasionally he has needed help with rides or just a visit to help him through the hard times. He recently spent a week in the hospital with pneumonia. He was not happy that this has added a delay to his treatment plan, which I totally get! You want your treatment plan to go as planned. Any bump in the road leaves you feeling uncertain and scared. How bad is this bump, as it is almost always medical in nature, and does this mean my cancer has spread, or my treatments have caused other insurmountable issues, and, and, and…

Your inner dragon starts whirling in terror, and you cannot breath, your heart wants to stop, you have no energy to deal with the situation, and yet you must. It’s so overwhelming, and then you cry, because that is the only thing left in your body to help you deal with all that emotion swirling and curling, being flung left and right by your dragon. And that makes you feel stupid because you are crying, and that exhausts you even more. It’s a vicious cycle, and it’s ok to be afraid, and cry, and exhausted, frustrated and physically weak. It’s all part of the process. Some have no issues and others drown in the emotionally eddies. Most of us are somewhere in between the two extremes. It’s easy for me to sympathize with Moses, been there. I may not have contracted pneumonia, but I had my own delays and hurdles.

Maybe I wanted to write about celebrating our grandkitty, Winky’s second birthday. I know celebrate a cats birthday?!?! But that is exactly what we did. Yet another excuse to see the kids. She loved the special food she got for dinner and her “Uncle Jordon and Aunt Kelly” got the win for favorite birthday present. Although, I did get lots of love for the catnip buds, better than already flaked catnip. Such a happy little one-eyed cat for the weekend.

Maybe I wanted to write about going back to work as a temp for my old boss, part time. Gary had a need, and I would do just about anything for Gary and Kyle. They have been so good to me. So I am working part time, until they are fully staffed again, helping them out. But there is a kicker to this… I was a Director of Operations, making a six figure salary before Blink. When I came back to work for Gary after treatment was over, and I was ready to try my hand at working again, it was for far less then I had been earning before.

Then I had the opportunity to go to NEXT, which I took, back to that six figure salary. Only NEXT was not at all what I expected or dreamed, and when all was said and done, I realize I don’t want to be in that situation again. I don’t want to be in charge, making decisions, being the responsible one. It’s too much after Blink. My brain still does not process things the same way anymore. I still have difficulties with multi-tasking.

Simple things I can do, but the more difficult the task, the more concentration I now require to complete the task, the less I am able to separate or segment my thought processes to be able to comprehend when someone is talking to me and be able to respond and still keep my place on the other task I am working on. Example – knitting, mostly muscle memory, right? I can knit a basic pattern and watch basic TV shows or participate in my Support group, but if the conversation turns and requires higher thinking power, higher concentration, I can, and have, messed up my basic knitting pattern. This was something I never had difficulty with pre-chemo.

This leads me to now, going back to work as a temp for Gary. I have gone from a six figure salary to $25 an hour data entry clerk. Once I am done helping Gary, I know I can go back to the OCU (Office Clerical Unit of Local 63) hall and pick up temp jobs from there for more than $25 per hour, but it kind of stings my ego and my heart. My worth is no longer what it was. I am no longer worth that six figure salary that I worked so hard to earn. The years spent learning and growing in my industry to get me to that place where I could be that responsible person, making the hard decisions. Not that I want that place anymore, I have more important things to do than be that responsible for someone else’s business, but it’s that little sting in the gut, my worth has fallen because of Blink. I am no longer worth that six figure salary.

I know my value is still worth far more than any salary could provide, but it is still a small little hurt to my ego as to what Blink has cost me. I enjoyed my career, and all the people I have met, including the many I can call friends, but knowing that part of my life is over now still pangs a little. Part of me wants to still try to regain that part of me, but most of me, the deepest parts of me, does not want that anymore. So the sting is just small, but it’s still there.

Could it be I wanted to write about all the Facebook “memories” that would pop up everyday from three years ago. The memories of the days leading up my discovery of Blink. The days of innocence. The days of bliss. Not knowing what was lurking in my right breast that would turn my world upside down. The diagnosis that would bring me to the here and now. To never be innocent again, to never be able to see the world quite the same. I miss that innocence, that bliss, that feeling that everything was so right in my world. Oh, there was the occasional calamity, but I always knew they were surmountable. The diagnosis of Blink took all of that away. Nothing like when I had Thyroid cancer, as scary of that was, this is a killer. Knowing this, having this lurk over me for the rest of my life, that, that is what has changed, and I miss the before. I miss that girl, and everything that was going so right for her.

I still love myself, not the same way as I did then. I have a different appreciation for life, family, experiences, love, hope and joy. I am glad I have these new perspectives, but as I noted above, those rose colored glasses were so much fun.

Now for the one thing I do remember I wanted to write about. When prompted journals or someone asks you -” If you had the chance to meet with anyone, dead or alive, who would it be and why?” I’ve always had some inklings of who I’d want to talk with, share coffee or tea, break bread with, but it has always felt so trite and almost rehearsed. With the passing of Ruth Bader Ginsberg, I finally had a true yearning to have that hypothetical meeting with a person “dead or alive”. I would love to meet RBG, have tea with her, talk of life, love, equality, justice, religion, and jokes. On a recent night, as I was pondering this, I had the feeling of this soft little hand reach out to hold mine. For some reason I knew that she was with me briefly, just to let me know she knew me and understood my sudden yearning to have met her. Then her presence was replaced with my grandmother, my Nane. My Nane who I know watches over me, but rarely does she make her presence known. That night she did. She sat with me for a while, to let me know all would be as it should be.

So, I go forward, over the next two weeks, not holding my breath, with my dragon tightly curled into her little ball, as I wait for that MRI appointment. Knowing all will be as it should be going forward.

Life is dealing with the new future

August 5, 2020 – Love, Life, Loss and the Sword of Damocles

I know it has been a while, and so much has happened. Jordon and Kelly got married at the end of September; we attended a large family reunion from my mother’s side of the family. I was let go from the job I thought I loved so much this past November. We decided despite the lack of income from either of us, our Disneyland passes would be renewed. We celebrated Thanksgiving at our house with my parents, my brother and my nephew; we went to Disneyland the next day.

My birthday was mostly spent at Disneyland. We managed to secure lunch reservations at Carthay Circle in Cal Adventure. The weather forecast remained cloudy and chilly, as we made our way to the park and most of the way through our lunch. Then it started raining, then it poured. Because the weather app kept saying no rain I didn’t bring with us the rain slickers we had purchased the week before. By the time we finished lunch and made a circuit around Cal Adventure, everyone was trying to find shelter wherever they could. I purchased two new rain ponchos and away we went to check out Disneyland. Everyone there was also looking for respite from the rain, and there we were, me driving through every puddle we could find in my ECV and Robert behind me jumping in the same puddles. Turning fifty-five was fun, but eventually I got cold and we went home.

Hanukkah was celebrated and our gift exchange theme this past December was “Batteries Included”. We had quite a bit of stealing of gifts happening this celebration, and I have to say I made out pretty good this year, light saber with sounds stolen from the first person who stole it. Then it was locked with me. 😀 We re-gifted it to Joseph for Christmas, made it even better.

We raced back from Hanukkah to celebrate Christmas Eve with Robert’s family and BBQ from Naples Ribs. Our tradition now that we host Christmas Eve. We had a wonderful time with Robert’s family and made a date to have Super Bowl together and then “Christmas in July”. Looks like we will be seeing each other more than once this year.

New Years found us up at my parents house. Dad and Mom #2 had food poisoning the day we arrived. Then Robert ended up with a 24 hour flu bug on New Years Day. Fever, body aches, everything. We ended up staying another day. We drove back home the Friday after New Years and Robert felt pain in his bottom. By the time we were home he realized he was experiencing another peri-anal abscess. We took him to urgent care Saturday morning, hoping we could hold off the worst of the abscess until Monday, and start the request for referral to the colo-rectal surgeon Urgent Care doctor was all too happy to provide both and we went home with antibiotics. By that night he was in so much pain I decided we were going to the ER in the morning.

We headed to the ER bright and early Sunday and despite not many people being there, they took their time getting a CT Scan done to send to the on call surgeon for evaluation. By that time Robert was saying his pain level was beyond 10. Football had started by the time the ER doctor consulted with the on-call surgeon. The surgeon decided that since the abscess was only a little over a centimeter he could tough it out until Monday or Tuesday when the referral is approved and he could be scheduled into the office.

We were both incredulous that this was happening. Damn surgeon didn’t want to stop watching football. Robert was now just bed ridden and he was starting to have problems with defecation and urination because of the pain. Monday the referral came through and the surgeons office could see him late Tuesday afternoon. We hobbled him into the surgeons office and the surgeon took one look at him and told him he had to go back to the ER. This could not be taken care of in the office as the first surgeon had determined. He would call the ER as well as the surgeon on duty to advise them Robert was coming over and would need to be admitted for surgery.

We headed back to the ER, now I was livid. They quickly got Robert back into a bed in the ER, even though the ER was beyond full. They did another CT scan and within three hours had him up in a room. Of course it was in the middle tower the longest walk for me no matter which entrance I went through. They added him to the surgical board to be squeezed in as soon as possible and he was told no food or drink after midnight. My dear friend Linda brought him a burger and fries from Five Guys so he could finally eat something. Once he was fed I went home to get myself something more to eat and to feed the cat. I was back at the hospital bright and early the next morning only to find they still had not scheduled a time for his surgery to relieve the abscess. Close to noon, his nurse told me they finally had a time scheduled – 8pm that night. He was napping, so this was not going to go over well when he woke up. His abscess had grown from a little over 1 cm to over 6 cm.

Surgery was able to be bumped up a little earlier, so he was in surgery by 6:30 that night. Surgeon told me all went well and he should be feeling better soon. Now that he had a second abscess in the same spot she was warning us this could become a common recurrence and there is not much they can do about it.

It took almost three weeks but he was doing much better and able to sit normally again.

Back to the wedding; we were all so happy to celebrate last year. The rehearsal was the Thursday before the wedding, which also happened to be the same day as my six month imaging. This imaging was an MRI. My new Oncologist is more strict on the follow up than my last oncologist, which leaves me with a more secure feeling that we will catch any recurrence early, or at least earlier. I went to the imaging on my own. This is my one year check up since the end of active treatment. Two years since diagnosis. It will all be good, no worries! And the wedding is in two days. It’s all happiness. Get this imaging done and move on with life.

As we’re headed to the wedding site for our rehearsal time, Heather, Jose, Joseph, Robert and I all in Jose’s work truck, my phone rings. It’s the main number from Torrance Memorial Hospital. Also where the breast diagnostic center is located, where I had completed my MRI earlier that morning. The MRI detected changes in my left breast. They are scheduling me to come in for ultra-sound on Monday. The cab of the truck gets very quiet as I schedule this appointment for the follow-up ultrasound. Heather reaches back to hold my hand from the front seat. Robert looks at me across Joseph who is seated between us in the back bench seat. My dragon roars, NO NO NO, it’s not time yet! We are prepared, me and my dragon, for three years, five years, maybe as many as ten, but we are not prepared for 2 years.

My dragon screams within me, raging, crying, ranting, no, no, no, not now, not at this happy time, not as Jordon and Kelly are getting married, going on their honeymoon. Not when we have a giant family reunion from my mothers side of the family in two weeks up in the bay area. I calm my dragon, it’s nothing. It will all be fine, it is too early for this, we both know. My dragon reluctantly curls back into it’s ball, but is very unsettled in her corner of my gut. I tell her we’re not going to think about this until Monday. We’re going to celebrate the union of our son to the beautiful Kelly who we adore and welcome into our family.

We all agree nothing will be said, but my dragon still tumbles and flutters away, not willing to settle completely. I am determined to enjoy this weekend. Nothing is said at rehearsal, nor as we head to the rehearsal dinner. I am able to settle my dragon and enjoy the rehearsal dinner with the bridal party and both families.

Friday we checked into the hotel in Huntington Beach close to the wedding venue after meeting up with Deda, her family, and my brother and nephew at Disneyland for a few hours. After a relaxing night in we woke up early to prepare for the wedding. We had to be at the venue by 1:30pm. I booked a makeup artist to come and do my face and hair, and had a wonderful time being made up for the wedding. The artist was a darling woman that I thoroughly enjoyed working with, and chatting about her life as well as mine.

When it came time to get dressed, I had a good laugh over the stick on bra I had purchased to wear under the backless gown I had found that was just lovely as a Mother of the Groom dress. I could not get the cups to evenly stick to my boobs, and pulling it off… OMG, my poor right breast definitely did not like that. So after several attempts of errors and laughter, I decided it was not worth it and went without a bra. Robert and I were both ready and scheduled an Uber to take us to the venue. As we waited for the Uber to show it started to sprinkle. We both knew Kelly would be totally upset by rain on her outdoor wedding day, despite that rain means good luck. It sprinkled the whole 5 minute ride to the venue and then the sun came out.

We checked in with everyone, the bridal party in one room and the groomsmen in another. Grandpa helped Joseph get dressed in his tux, while I ran as a go between for Kelly and Jordon. Kelly had passed her state boards and Jordon had a congratulations card for her on this accomplishment. But it was their wedding day, and Kelly was stressing out. As all good brides manage to do on this special occasion. Kelly and Jordon had decided their gifts to each other would be letters on how they feel about one another. Kelly had me deliver her letter, and I came back with a congratulations card. I went back to check on where Jordon was with his letter. He had it all typed out, but wanted to write it out for her. Jordon being Jordon, of course was very behind in this matter. With many distractions coming his way as the photographer tried to keep him on schedule with the list of photographs that were supposed to happen prior to the ceremony.

I noticed he kept losing his place on his laptop and would have to go back to re-read where he was to continue. I stepped in and told him I would dictate and he would write. It still took time with some mishaps and laughter, but he finally completed his tome (at least 7 pages of handwritten text), sealed it up with a card and I was able to deliver his letter to Kelly. Their picture schedule was behind, so some pictures would have to happen after the ceremony. The wedding planner was wonderful at helping Kelly destress and kept the parties on schedule and got us all ready for the ceremony.

The ceremony was beautiful and no one was the wiser when the bride and groom disappeared for a while to take those pictures that were missed prior to the ceremony. It was a wonderful party, and Robert’s speech turned out perfect, despite the fact that he miss-spoke Kelly’s name at the beginning, with much laughter and tears. He shook so much my sister-in-law asked my brother if Robert had Parkinson’s. Nope, just nervous speaking in front of all those people.

I did tell my secret to Deda. I had to let out some of that dragon anxiety and talking with Deda helped me quiet my dragon down and allowed me to enjoy the rest of the wedding and dancing.

The wedding ended at the scheduled time and I walked in to find Kelly’s mom unable to undue the elastic button loops on the back of her dress, so I stepped in to help get Kelly out of her dress. The rain held off until we were packing up the last of the wedding gifts and the bride and grooms stuff. We all headed back to the same hotel, and met up with Dad and Mom#2 for a drink before heading off to bed.

Sunday found us taking our time packing up and then heading over to Disneyland for a bit of people watching before meeting up with Dad and Mom#2 as well as Jordon and Kelly for dinner at Napa Rose before Jordon and Kelly left for their honeymoon and Dad and Sue headed home to the SF Bay Area. All in all it was a wonderful weekend and we’re so happy the Kelly is officially now a member of our family.

Monday I went for that ultrasound, and they could not find anything in the location where the vascular changes were detected in the MRI. So good news at that point, but the recommendation was instead of a mammogram in 6 months I have another MRI. Sword of Damocles….

As much as I wanted to say I had dealt with my loss of Kelly from my support group, I had just touched the tip of that journey. Having my MRI come back with a “spot” to watch, drew me right back into my grief and my memories of Kelly. I threw myself back into work, and tried to forget all this. But I also felt like I could not hide this from my family. I hate being blindsided by medical news so I felt like I needed to tell them all about what is going on. We had the family reunion a few weeks after the wedding, and we shared a two room suite with my mom. I was able to have a nice talk with her about the findings and how this is a watch and see situation. I had time to think about it for a bit and digest that a recurrence was a possibility. Now that I knew more about this cancer and what surgery does, (experience), I had come to the decision that if this came down to biopsy with return, I would opt for the double mastectomy with DIEP flap reconstruction. I told this to my mom and she was good with that decision. She liked that I had time to process this information and come up with a plan just in case.

Over the course of the weekend family reunion I was able to speak with most of my extended family members in a one on one and let them know what was happening with me. Nothing yet, but I am now on a watch and see situation.

The rest of the year was mostly uneventful, celebrated the holidays, dealt with Robert’s abscess and decided when unemployment ran out I’d go back to the union and work as a temp until I got hired again.

My dear friend Stephanie from Support Group was hospitalized at the end of January with fluid in her lungs. Linda and I went to visit her, but I knew that this was caused by her metastatic cancer, it was in her lungs and this was not a good. They inserted a drain and she was able to go home after a few days. Linda and I didn’t say anything, but we both knew her time was limited. Yet another loss I knew I would have to deal with eventually.

The first Friday of March (6), found me going to a “First Fridays” in Long Beach at the EXPO Center to see Blake and the art Blake was exhibiting. Blake had some beautiful pictures of Bristle Cone Pines printed on metal. They were gorgeous. I checked out most of the other artists displaying works at the EXPO center. There was also a Tarot reader set up. She had multiple decks she worked with. I passed her several times and was drawn to her energy. I am not pulled to many who claim to read Tarot. Their energy usually does not pull me telling me they are not truly in tune with their spiritual self or the universe around them. I need that to be the case if I am going to trust them with a reading. I finally gave in to the pull and asked her for a reading.

Of course my first question was had my cancer returned. She pulled one card and looked at me with a clear gaze and said no, not yet. We went through a few more cards, about work, money, but then she put the cards down and without batting an eyelid, stared me in the eye and told me my spirit guides were very strong, and speaking to her. They were telling her to tell me that I need to complete my bucket list in 3 years. That was pretty direct and felt true in my heart. I thanked her for the message. I also found the perfect birthday gift for my mother from the artist that was set up next to Blake.

Then the pandemic set in and we were all ordered to Shelter at Home. Non-essential businesses were closed, toilet paper and cleaning supplies were bought in a frenzied mass of stockpiling, leaving shelves bare for weeks on end. We all had to start wearing masks. In person doctor appointments were cancelled. My next MRI was delayed as they had to space out people coming in for imaging. First my March appointment was pushed out 7 weeks to the end of April. Then I received a call, they could get me in two weeks earlier. I took it. This time my MRI report advised no new changes to my breasts from my surgeries or radiation. The small vascular changes they noted on my last MRI had solidified into a nodule, but not something that looked like cancer yet. The report also noted it looked like I was developing a cyst in my right breast. Recommendation, another MRI in 6 months. The cyst part also worries me as one of the gals in my Support Group, also with Triple Negative Breast Cancer, had what all the radiologists called a cyst in one of her breasts. She demanded they biopsy this cyst. When they tried to pull fluid from it, nothing came out. They had to do a core biopsy and sure enough it was another Trip Neg lump in the same breast she had surgery on previously. I am now on the cautious side of cysts!

We did take a quick trip out to Palm Desert before the pandemic lock down. Went to San Jacinto State Park at the top of Chico Canyon, overlooks all of Palm Springs/Palm Desert area, and went out to Joshua Tree several times to watch the sunset and see the stars. Since lockdown, we have spent some time in Bakersfield with Heather and Jose, as they have been very good with the social distancing and following mask and cleaning guidelines.

In July we went camping up in Sequoia National Park (Jose, Heather, Joseph, Kelly, Jordon and me). We did the Walk of 100 Giants, spent a night staring at the stars, I got very drunk, and had a wonderful conversation with my daughter-in-law Kelly. Stumbled my way back to our camp site and managed to not fall down!

Everytime I think it’s time for me to call the OCU hall to get temp work, more bad news comes out on the COVID-19 Pandemic. The latest news says cancer survivors have a higher chance of contracting the virus. So there is that news…. My unemployment keeps being extended automatically, so that helps. Eventually I will need an income.

We did lose Stephanie in June. Almost a year from when we lost Kelly. This has been hard for me to come to terms with. Especially since I know my own fate is hanging under that damn sword. I avoided this blog for so long because of not wanting to face the emotions tied with my current “on watch” situation, the echos of that tarot reading with the message from my spirit guides. Dealing with the grief of losing Kelly and Stephanie within a year of each other. Not being able to be with my support group in person or see my family except through Zoom meetings or Facetime. That 3 year warning weighs heavy on my mind, I feel like I am losing time. Time I don’t have. I still miss Kelly. I haven’t been able to bring myself to watch Stephanie’s Life Celebration held by her church and on posted to YouTube. Someday I’ll be able to watch it and celebrate her life, but right now my heart is still too raw to deal with that.

For not updating in a year, I think I have poured enough out for now. I will update again soon.

Life is dealing with Safer at Home orders

Thursday July 11 – Facing my grief

I have been avoiding this post. Hiding in the whirlwind of my new job, and all the new time demands this creates. I’ve avoided thinking about my grief, and even used the excuse of work, to avoid going to Support Group so I wouldn’t have face reality.

But yesterday I received a call that made me face what I have not been willing to acknowledge in my heart. We lost our girl and gained an angel. Kelly was our girl, one of us, someone we shared our hearts with. She was one of us breast cancer fighters. One of us voicing our fears, our insecurities, our triumphs, our hopes in the sacred room of the Breast Cancer Support Group. She was one of us. According to her husband, Kelly passed away with a smile on her face. Kelly became our Angel on Sunday, June 23, and I have been hiding from this ever since.

When I heard the news I did cry, but I quickly pushed that grief into a little ball and told my dragon to hold it tight, to keep it away until I was ready to face this grief. The universe decided enough was enough, I needed to face this honestly and openly so made some connections that prompted my dragon to release my grief.

I received a call from our Support Group leader. I had to let her leave me a voice mail as I was in a meeting at work. When I had the opportunity to listen to the message she left me, I knew that today would be the day I would need to face that grey, blue and brown ball of sadness, helplessness with a bit of anger thrown in to make it swirl in a frantic mass. The message left was that the father of Kelly wanted to speak to me about my post “This is dedicated to the ones I love“. After I left work Wednesday, I called our group leader to thanked her for relaying the contact information and that I would be reaching out to Kelly’s family. I then called and left a message for Kelly’s father.

I was relieved at first that I would not have to deal with that angry, sad helpless ball just yet. My heart hoped they would not call me back until later, like Sunday. But I received the call at 8:37 PM. First Kelly’s mom relayed her thanks to me for my kind and loving words and asked me how I was doing. I instinctively knew she meant how was I doing with my cancer. I told her I was still cancer free as far as know. She told me to stay that way. That is my plan. She is still having a hard time dealing with her loss and I can understand that grief and my heart broke a little more for her.

Then her father came on the line. He told me that the picture I had of Kelly that I posted was perfect. She was good a saving dogs she knew would not make it out of the shelter alive unless she got them a home. She had a dog with one eye, and her parents had a dog with a crooked jaw and covered with moles that they said they didn’t need, but when Kelly made them come meet the dog, they had to have.

He thanked me for my post about Kelly. Despite being in the hospital and knowing her prognosis may not be good, she was beaming when she read my post. She shared it with her family. He told me I had captured her true essence in my writing. He also confirmed what I already knew in my heart of hearts. Kelly didn’t want us to visit her in the hospital because she didn’t want us to see how the end of a battle with breast cancer looks like. It wasn’t vanity on her part, but her concern to spare us from this reality. She had told her family she felt we were all our true authentic selves in our support group and the camaraderie she felt with us was special. She felt she could be genuine with us, and that we were genuine with her.

Her father and I shared tears and grief over a phone line, and he hoped I would keep in touch. After sharing with him and his wife the special bond Kelly and our group shared, I feel that this connection was meant to be. The universe connected us for a reason, and I will be staying in touch with them How hard it must be on their hearts and souls to lose their daughter. I know how lost I would feel if I lost my daughter. They helped me shed the tears I really needed to shed to come to terms with my grief and face the reality that Kelly would no longer be part of my physical life. I think she had a hand in directing this connection.

Kelly, you will always be a part of my heart and I miss your infectious enthusiasm and wit beyond measure. I miss my friend. But I feel your love with me, and I am so ever grateful to have met you in this life. My wish for your family is that they will eventually find peace. I will always be on the search for any shows or movies your son plays a role in, and I will stay in touch with your family as it has helped me start my healing over your loss. I hope that I can bring the same to them.

Life is dealing with the grief

Friday, June 14 – Bittersweet and laughter

Today was a bittersweet day for me. Last day with my current employer before my leap into the great unknown with the new company. As always with anytime I am feeling any kind of stress or anxiety, I was awake early. I did catnap between 5:30 am and 7:30 am while I waited for Robert to get done in the bathroom, read and played my puzzle games to improve my brain. I must say I will miss my leisurely mornings, taking my time to get up, get ready to face the day, make my Latte, and watch my shows while I eat my breakfast and drink said latte.

I took in gifts for my bosses in thanks for all they have done for me. I worked on the last of the process documentation I could think of to help them take over things I had previously managed, and spent my day trying not to let my mind overthink my decision. I loved my job, I love my bosses, I love the people I work with, this was a very difficult decision to make.

When I first came to work for GFS I had a plan that this would be my last job before I decided it was time for me to retire. If I learned anything over the past year and a half or so is that I am not ready to retire!

That said, when I came back from my medical leave I was so grateful that GFS kept a place for me, to return to work at a pace I could handle and work myself back to what I determined was my best again. I am so grateful for the time and space they provided for me to gently move into living life, as I wanted rather than how my body dictated. I was ready to keep working that plan I had made when GFS and I came to an agreement those years ago.

Funny, when you make plans, God laughs and says “Oh yeah, while try this out!”

As you all know (or may not know); for months I was pursued by another trucking company, through LinkedIn, and I ignored them. I had my plan, I loved my plan. I loved working where I worked and thoroughly enjoyed working with all the people at GFS. Why would I leave? I finally answered that continues “knocking” on my door, and was made an offer I just could not refuse. This decision was not easy for me to make. Like I said, I have loved working at GFS, and loved what I was doing. All of the people there have provided me with a chance to learn more, stretch my wings further and shared with me pieces of themselves that I will always treasure. They all helped me face one of the hardest things I have ever done – beat F’ing Cancer! I beat a cancer that the odds were against me from the very get go. Without their kind words, support and prayers I know that my outcome could have been much different. For this, there are no words that can express my gratitude.

I feel blessed to have worked with all of them. My parting wish to them was GFS will continue to grow and prosper.

They threw me a small luncheon going away party, that included a wonderful card and some gifts. I feel so blessed to have worked with this wonderful group of people.

While I was helping one of the girls make her way through a report I used to run that she would now be responsible for, one of my friends who makes me laugh, texted me a picture of a flyer for a workshop being held in August about PTSD and Cancer. As is normal for us, the picture was accompanied with text, which we are both very good at miss-typing, leading to some hysterical conversations. Today was no exception. With the picture the text really didn’t make sense so when I received the second text, I started giggling and responded, with my giggles erupting into full blown laughter.

The text was: “I bed this! Wanna go? R is leaving from KAX at 9am in Sunday” followed by “Lax”, and then “Omg” with the laughing faces. Me being me, responded with “I’m still stuck on bed???”

She responded with “I need this. And new typing fingers apparently. Lol. NEED. no bed” I of course had to push this to “You need your bed?!?!?!” Her response was “Ha! Maybe my subconscious wants someone in it? Lol…” I of course used my gutter brain and responded with “We could get you an electronic boyfriend” followed with three eggplant emojis. My friend said she would take one.

We quickly ended out text conversation, with laughter and went on with our days. I finished mine with GFS, bidding my final farewells and holding back my tears for a plan ended, and holding my breath for my new adventure to come.

Several hours later, as I awaited the news of one of our girls going through surgery today, my friend called me back. (I am not mentioning names to protect the guilty!) She had sent me yet another picture that had me laughing, this one of a candy bar called Flirty.

She called me back to explain the Flirty candy bar. Seems while she was waiting at the hospital for news of our gal in outpatient surgery, and when she would be released to come home, a nice gentleman was chatting her up. Granted he was at least a decade and a half older than her (and we’re no spring chickens here), and despite her best efforts to be rude to him and continue working on her laptop while she waited, he continued to “flirt” with her. He hangs out in the hospital lobby as he enjoys the cafeteria coffee and the live piano music provided to ease those who are visiting the hospital for less than happy reasons. We joked that this was the new pick up place for those in assisted living homes, instead of the hallway pill exchange (that is a story for another day)!

He offered to get her a coffee as well, to which she declined, but he brought her the Flirty chocolate bar instead. I laughingly told her “see, you get a real boyfriend instead of an electronic one, as well as a Sugar Daddy!” We continued to throw one liners at each other as we laughed harder and harder. I love her so much for always making me laugh until I could pee my pants!

Our gal came through her surgery just fine and will be released tonight to go home. Our girl Kelly is home from the hospital, finally. We will need to plan a visit to her to bring her some laughter and female companionship. Plus, we miss her.

Life is taking leaps of faith and laughter, always laughter