I have been avoiding this post. Hiding in the whirlwind of my new job, and all the new time demands this creates. I’ve avoided thinking about my grief, and even used the excuse of work, to avoid going to Support Group so I wouldn’t have face reality.
But yesterday I received a call that made me face what I have not been willing to acknowledge in my heart. We lost our girl and gained an angel. Kelly was our girl, one of us, someone we shared our hearts with. She was one of us breast cancer fighters. One of us voicing our fears, our insecurities, our triumphs, our hopes in the sacred room of the Breast Cancer Support Group. She was one of us. According to her husband, Kelly passed away with a smile on her face. Kelly became our Angel on Sunday, June 23, and I have been hiding from this ever since.
When I heard the news I did cry, but I quickly pushed that grief into a little ball and told my dragon to hold it tight, to keep it away until I was ready to face this grief. The universe decided enough was enough, I needed to face this honestly and openly so made some connections that prompted my dragon to release my grief.
I received a call from our Support Group leader. I had to let her leave me a voice mail as I was in a meeting at work. When I had the opportunity to listen to the message she left me, I knew that today would be the day I would need to face that grey, blue and brown ball of sadness, helplessness with a bit of anger thrown in to make it swirl in a frantic mass. The message left was that the father of Kelly wanted to speak to me about my post “This is dedicated to the ones I love“. After I left work Wednesday, I called our group leader to thanked her for relaying the contact information and that I would be reaching out to Kelly’s family. I then called and left a message for Kelly’s father.
I was relieved at first that I would not have to deal with that angry, sad helpless ball just yet. My heart hoped they would not call me back until later, like Sunday. But I received the call at 8:37 PM. First Kelly’s mom relayed her thanks to me for my kind and loving words and asked me how I was doing. I instinctively knew she meant how was I doing with my cancer. I told her I was still cancer free as far as know. She told me to stay that way. That is my plan. She is still having a hard time dealing with her loss and I can understand that grief and my heart broke a little more for her.
Then her father came on the line. He told me that the picture I had of Kelly that I posted was perfect. She was good a saving dogs she knew would not make it out of the shelter alive unless she got them a home. She had a dog with one eye, and her parents had a dog with a crooked jaw and covered with moles that they said they didn’t need, but when Kelly made them come meet the dog, they had to have.
He thanked me for my post about Kelly. Despite being in the hospital and knowing her prognosis may not be good, she was beaming when she read my post. She shared it with her family. He told me I had captured her true essence in my writing. He also confirmed what I already knew in my heart of hearts. Kelly didn’t want us to visit her in the hospital because she didn’t want us to see how the end of a battle with breast cancer looks like. It wasn’t vanity on her part, but her concern to spare us from this reality. She had told her family she felt we were all our true authentic selves in our support group and the camaraderie she felt with us was special. She felt she could be genuine with us, and that we were genuine with her.
Her father and I shared tears and grief over a phone line, and he hoped I would keep in touch. After sharing with him and his wife the special bond Kelly and our group shared, I feel that this connection was meant to be. The universe connected us for a reason, and I will be staying in touch with them How hard it must be on their hearts and souls to lose their daughter. I know how lost I would feel if I lost my daughter. They helped me shed the tears I really needed to shed to come to terms with my grief and face the reality that Kelly would no longer be part of my physical life. I think she had a hand in directing this connection.
Kelly, you will always be a part of my heart and I miss your infectious enthusiasm and wit beyond measure. I miss my friend. But I feel your love with me, and I am so ever grateful to have met you in this life. My wish for your family is that they will eventually find peace. I will always be on the search for any shows or movies your son plays a role in, and I will stay in touch with your family as it has helped me start my healing over your loss. I hope that I can bring the same to them.
Life is dealing with the grief
I’m so sorry that you have lost your friend, Kelly. I know the deep pain you must feel. I have one sister who was born to me; but I have a few sisters-of-the-heart. They are as precious to me as my born sister. From your blog, I can tell that the women in your Cancer Support Group have become your sisters-of-the-heart. Losing one is losing a piece of your heart. I’m reminded of Tania and Dottie, my own s-o-t-hs. They are safely tucked away in the corners of my heart just as Kelly will forever be with you. I pray for you to find comfort in the memories of what you and Kelly shared, peace in knowing her battle is done, and hope among all of us survivors who continue to forge ahead with newfound strength. ILYTTMAB!
Dear Kim,
With each funeral that I attend, I am saddened that the deceased didn’t get to hear those beautiful remembrances by friends and family before they passed. Your post on June 6th was not an elegy but a living tribute to Kelly as friend and fighter -facing the full range of emotions including fear. She proudly shared your post and derived enough strength and inspiration from it to go a few extra punishing rounds. Kelly told us about your battles with BC and how close the two of you had become. You so eloquently described the beautiful “effervescent spirit” that her family and closest friends knew. It is that spirit that lives on through our grief and bridges the radiant personality that we loved in this life with the one that lives on in eternity. Kelly was blessed to have you as a friend.
With Gratitude,
Kelly’s brother, Matt