With the pandemic happening I find myself losing track of time so much. Then I feel like I need to rush to get as much done as I can in the life I have left. I keep having this feeling that I need to make sure my family is prepared for me to not be here anymore. With this feeling I also notice every little change in my body. Color changes in my breasts and arm pits. How my lungs feel; how my cough is and whether it is changing. I’ve noticed grey spots in my phlegm when I have any to cough up in the mornings. I notice every new little pain and tight spot.
I also notice all the little things in my life, how my husband does things around the house that helps me. How my kids continue to grow in their adulthood. My grandson and how he changes every time I see him. Which birds like to hang out in our trees; how the changing of the seasons changes my views when I leave the house; go to work, or run errands. What wildlife I see on a daily basis. How frequently the owls visit our neighborhood at night.
I notice the changes to the flowers and the trees in my neighborhood. I notice the changes in my neighbors as they walk their dogs. I notice the hummingbirds and how some have changed their territories.
I notice my dreams are changing too. I dream more of old friends I have not seen in ages; of having gatherings with them to celebrate life. I dream of family past and present. I dream of things we did and things I would like to do.
I wake up thankful for every new day; with that nagging urgency to get everything done.
I don’t know why that urgency is there. All my tests are still showing everything is clear. I have concerns I have voiced to my Oncologist, but he doesn’t seem to think they are real concerns and treats me as if I have nothing to worry about.
I have lost people in my support group because they were told not to worry about subtle changes. I have lost people because doctors didn’t follow up. I will continue to lose people because their cancers have advanced beyond curing. They will live until the advances in medicine can no longer control their cancers. I am thankful for everyday they have to live and grow until that point.
Despite my underlying nagging worry, I live each day. I enjoy all the things that I come across in my life that bring beauty and I strive to be productive. I love having my husband make me laugh; and my friends in my life that remind me life is beautiful.
I am looking forward to crossing another item off my bucket list. My mom has invited me to join her on a cruise to the Bahamas. Despite that there is a new variant to the Covid-19 virus out there I am going. My dragon whispers to me daily – live life now. Do all the things you want to do NOW. So I am embracing life to the fullest NOW and enjoying it all.
One of the girls who was in support group, but when the pandemic started and we went to ZOOM meetings she stopped participating, she is dying. She has Triple Negative Inflammatory Breast Cancer. She made the comment to another in our group “My world is becoming smaller”. She meant that what she focus’ on becomes a smaller circle every week. The therapies are no longer working and the side effects are not worth the little help they provide. That statement resonated with me. There are times when I feel like my world is slightly smaller as the things I am willing to let into my world are becoming more limited. With my little dragon whispering in the background, to let some things go as they are not worth my efforts.
For my birthday this year I decided that my efforts would be spent on communing with rescued farm animals, with an emphasis on cows. There is a rescue barn close enough to where we live that we were able to go visit. I enjoyed all the animals I got to interact with, but the cows were the best. Many don’t realize that cows are generally giant dogs, that want to be petted, brushed and sit in your lap. Obviously they don’t fit in our laps, so a compromise is made. They lay on the ground, we cuddle up to them and then we commune together. It’s a peaceful, restful feeling. It filled me with joy.
As we prepare for the final holidays of this year, I am constantly reminded how much my family and friends mean to me. I am thankful we still have time together and I relish each moment I have with them all.
Life is beautiful and fleeting